Paciencia

Living in Miami FL, I hear Spanish everyday and wish I could say I have learned the language.  Instead I just know a few Spanish words and phrases.  My favorite Spanish word?  Paciencia.  Rolls right off of the tongue (pronounced Pah-See-En-See-Ah) and means "patience".  I believe that word defines EVERYDAY of the "foster to adopt" process.  So what has happened since we graduated from the training course in May?

First, we went through the entire Home Study procedure.  We knew that our home would be inspected and that we would have to go through personal interviews, but we were nervous about how it would all take place....and when.  Three weeks passed without hearing a word from the agency.  That's where the "paciencia" was needed!  We were asking ourselves things like, "Have they forgotten about us?  Did our paperwork get lost?  Did they come across a problem with our finances?  Are the other people from our training class already finished with their home studies?"  All you can do is wait.  Everything is at the agency's pace.  They did not give us any sort of timeline (mainly because they don't know for sure) and they did not tell us any requirements or how to prepare our home.  Life goes on...then we hear from them again. 

We were assigned a licensing counselor that happened to be one of the group leaders in our training class.  She (Teresa) said she chose us as one of the couples that she wanted to work with.  We were happy to be with a familiar face!  By the time Teresa was at our home for the first interview, a month had passed since the classes.  We had prepared our home the best way we knew how...and she didn't even look around.  She sat at our little dining room table and said that the entire meeting would be my portion of the personal interview.  All sorts of questions were asked like, "Where have you lived?  What was your upbringing like?  How did your parents discipline?  Are you close with your family?  How often do you see them?  Tell me about your marriage...would you ever divorce that person?  EVER?  How do you confront problems?  What are three things you like about your spouse?  What are three things you would change about your spouse?"  That was the hardest question.  ALL of them had to be fully answered.  There were pages and pages of questions.  The entire interview took over three hours!  (Although I'd have to admit we covered other paperwork that was not part of my interview.)  The best part of the meeting was finally hearing the requirements for our home inspection.  These are some of the things needed in every foster home:

*A first-aid kit (locked in a cabinet)
*Locks for chemical and medicine cabinets (locks must have a separate key)
*Smoke Alarms: One in the kid's rooms and one near the kitchen
*A printed out map of the home with labeled exits and fire escape route.  A map should be posted by the main exit and in the child's room.
*A fire extinguisher (2A10-BC or larger)
* Freezer and refrigerator thermometers 
*Flashlights:  One in the child's room and one by the front door

There are actually MANY more home requirements, but these are the ones that were mentioned to us.  (There are full lists you can find online.)  I was a little nervous about the home inspection and was sure they would find many things for us to work on before returning for a final inspection.  The appointment was made and their only available time to look at our home was while I was working.  So may husband waited at home for the inspector to arrive.  "What if my husband doesn't remember where everything is? After all, we did have to rearrange all of our cabinets."  My nervousness grew.  I turned around and saw that my husband was calling.  Oh no!  So soon?  What questions does he have?  "Hello?"  "The inspection is done...we passed."  "What?! It's only been 15 minutes!"  "Yep.  He looked around, checked the smoke alarms, asked if we had the other items on his list, signed the forms, and left."  "Yay!  Short and sweet!"  Phew.   

After a few more months of interviews, tax records, bank statements, home photos, and emails (asking for further explanations from the interviews), we finally received our official fostering license!  It was finalized on October 19th.  So the next question....How long will it be until we receive a foster child?  Well it's been 12 days so far and we do not have a child yet, BUT we did receive our first call yesterday for the possible placement of a boy and girl sibling group.  We did not accept simply because we have one room available for two kids.  Because of that, we can only accept one child or two children of the same sex.  I don't know what the future holds, or how long it will take, but I have a feeling we will be receiving a foster child very soon!  :)  
 






 

I'm a Graduate!

We finally have our training certificates from the Children's Home Society of Florida!  We still are not licensed foster parents (that takes place after the home study and further interviews), but we're enjoying the completion of the course!  

The final class was my favorite.  There were a number of guest speakers that taught us so much.  First there was a couple with their 12-year-old biological daughter named Natalie and the cutest 2-year-old boy (of a different race) named JoeVernon.  They were explaining that in the next couple of weeks, JoeVernon will become their legal child.  (It scares me to think that the foster parents can decide to keep him even one day before the adoption is finalized!)  The mother was encouraging all of us with the process and gave an example of some difficulties that may arise.  She said that during the weekend visitations with JoeVernon, they would be having a lot of fun and all of a sudden he would begin crying (and hard).  She was explaining that these children have been through so much and may cry without even realizing why.  The mother encouraged us to be patient and to never feel like it is our fault or feel like it's because we aren't the "real parents" and don't know exactly what to do.  Just comfort the child as best as you can and know it will pass.  The new home is usually the best environment the child has ever experienced.  

There were also a number of foster mothers who spoke to us about an awesome group they are a part of.  It's called the South Dade Foster & Adoptive Parent Association.  (www.sdfapa.org)  It's a support group that meets every two months with an annual fee of $15 (or $25 per couple).  Not only are they there to share experiences (good or bad) but also as advocates for a better foster/adoption system in our city.  They have already improved so many "kinks" in the process and they continually have things they're working on fixing.  

One of the group's leaders began sharing some of her experiences with fostering.  She explained that she took the MAPP training course 5 years ago with an intent to "foster to adopt".  She said that the agency first contacted her asking that she and her husband rush to the hospital to take home a newborn boy.  The baby's other three siblings were all adopted into separate homes, so they were hopeful to adopt this infant.  They named the child after her husband's grandfather and five days later sent their biological son to kindergarten with a picture of his new brother.  Before their son came home from school, the agency contacted the family and said that the baby had a great-uncle in Georgia who wanted custody of the child.  The baby was taken away after five days of care.  The foster parents were devastated!  They had an instant parental bond with the baby and went through a long process of mourning their loss.  

Here are some of the important things that we learned from the awesome foster parents:

-Only help one family at a time (even though the agencies will want you to house children from multiple families).  With all of the court dates, family visits, and doctors appointments, you do not want to double or triple your schedule.   

-Bond with the child as a loving aunt or uncle figure.  Do not view the child as yours until there is an actual "termination of parental rights".  

-No matter what you go through, there is someone in the South Dade Foster & Adoptive Parent Association that has experienced the exact same thing and can provide solutions.  

-If you foster a child and later he or she returns to the biological family, don't rush into fostering another child immediately.  Give yourself some time to accept the loss and experience the normal emotions that go along with it.  

Lesson #10:  There's definitely a long process, but it's for the children in need.  And there are plenty of them.  There is no one else there for them...willing to give them a chance and show them that they're worth it.  MANY people are qualified, few will commit.   

Who Likes History?

History of Foster Parent Adoption in the United States

-Foster care is, by law, a program intended to provide a child with a safe, nurturing, therapeutic family environment for a temporary of time.

-During the 1980s greater emphasis was placed on preventing children from becoming involved with the foster care program.  This means that The Adoptions and Welfare Act made sure that as many options as possible were considered in order to keep children out of foster care.  Children would ONLY become part of the foster program when there was no other option by which a child could remain safely with his or her family. 

-What has resulted is a foster program in which most children have been physically or emotionally wounded.  Their families are in a great deal of pain.  This has meant that more foster families have become (through necessity) part of an intense service and treatment team for most children in foster care.  Foster parents have become supplements to the families of children in their care, forming alliances or partnerships with birth parents.  This is a change from the role of substitute parent so commonly seen only a few years ago.  

-The  Adoptions and Safe Families Act puts an emphasis on safety and well-being and has created time frames for achieving permanence for children (as short as possible).  Foster parents may well be asked to consider adoption at the same time they are asked to help with reunification plans, because concurrent planning is one way to achieve permanence in less time. 

-In 1994 the Multiethnic Placement Act and the amendment of 1996 was brought about to prevent discrimination in the placement of children on the basis of race, color, or national origin.  It is illegal to routinely consider race, national origin, or ethnicity in the adoption decision.

-More involvement between foster families and birth families is perhaps one of the reasons why foster parent adoptions have increased.  Foster parents who have contact with the parents of the children in their foster care are more likely to say "yes" in their adoption decision.  Other positive outcomes occur.  First, practice and research tell us that children who have contact with their parents have a better self-concept than those who do not have contact.  Secondly, children who have frequent contacts with their parents are more likely to be reunited with them.  If they cannot return to their birth families, the child will feel much better about the circumstances knowing that contact is still maintained (even if just through letters).

The Changing Emphasis in Adoption

-In 1975, more than two thirds of the states in this country required foster parents to sign a statement that they would not attempt to adopt the children placed in their foster homes.  Although these policies were directed primarily toward infant adoption, foster parent adoptions in general were affected.  Good practice dictated that every caution be taken to help foster parents understand that foster care was temporary and not a "back door" to adoption.  Agencies dealt with the issues of "back door" adoptions in many ways.  One private agency in 1989 had a policy that required children in foster care to move every six months in order to avoid an attachment to foster parents.  This policy certainly discouraged foster parent adoptions at one level.  This policy also harmed already vulnerable children.

-Despite examples like that, other positive changes began to occur.  During the late 1970s and early 1980s agencies began to encourage foster parent adoptions for children who had exceptional and special needs.

-In the late 1980s somewhere between 40% and 75% of all US public agency adoptions were by foster parents.  Today, agencies report that the majority of all public agency adoptions are by foster parents.

-Perhaps most importantly, during the past decade there has been a strong movement in the adoption field to preach the message that every child is adoptable.  Not long ago the older, more seriously wounded child was seen as "unadoptable".  The advocacy of foster parents and staff willing and eager to provide a home intended to last a lifetime, allowed these children to be adopted where they lived and where they were accepted.  Foster parent adoptions assured that wounded children who had often experienced multiple moves were prevented from making yet another possibly devastating move.

What Should Foster Families Think About When They Are Considering Adoption?

-First, there will be many changing roles within the family.

-Second, there will be changes for the child who often has a difficult time seeing that anything is different.

-Third, there will be changes in the team roles played between the family and agency staff.

-Fourth, there will be changes in the partnership roles between the two families of the child, the foster/adoptive family and the birth family. 

Lesson #9:  Despite the changes and challenges that have occurred throughout the history of fostering/adopting, every child (regardless of circumstance) is worth adopting and deserves a chance.  You have to be willing to create history.  

Birth Family Connections

Meeting 7: Helping Children With Birth Family Connections

Did you know that there is an Indian Child Welfare Act?  I thought that was very interesting.  There is a long explanation for it in our information packets, but basically the Native American tribes have there own governmental system.  If anyone were to ever observe the abuse or neglect of an Indian child, the Indian tribe would be notified and they would be able to handle the issue with their own laws.  The only time the US government can intervene is if they see that the issue is really not being handled or handled effectively.  The Native American tribes are protected and are basically their own country within ours. 

*In child welfare, "openness" is a term to describe the degree to which an adopted child continues to be connected to his or her family of origin. 

*The level of openness is a parental decision, based upon the needs of the child.  Adoptive parents consider the child's identity, culture, well-being, and safety needs in order to determine the level of openness most appropriate for the child. 

*Levels of openness include:

-Providing children with information about their family origin.

-Letters and photos exchanged between parents and adoptive parents through the child-placing agency.

-Giving children photos and letters from their parents and/or extended family members. 

-Letters between children and their parents and/or extended family members

-Sharing holidays with parents and/or extended family members

-Regular visits with parents and/or extended family members

-Ongoing shared parenting with parents and/or extended family members, much as other extended family members share parenting responsibilities. 

*Purpose of Visits:  Visits between children in placement and their biological families serve four major purposes.

1.  Reassurance to the child and family:

*Children know they have not been abandoned

*Families know the agency wants them to reconnect with their child

*Parents and child know that each other are well

*Continuity of relationships is preserved

*Psychological well-being is promoted

2.  Assessment of reunification capacity and progress:

*Workers can assess parent's and child's willingness to reconnect, the strengths that can make reunion possible, and the family problems that can impede reunification.

*Workers can use visiting experiences to help parents identify family goals that need to be met in order for the reconnection to be maintained.

*Workers can alter the visiting plan to reflect family and child progress and needs

*Workers can identify the need for informal and formal resources

*The extent to which foster parents can serve as a resource to parents will be recognized

 *Workers can see parent's and children's needs for additional help

3. Intervention:

-Parents and children can confront reality, recognizing what it really means to be reunited.

-Families can identify and test out their optimal degree of reconnection

-The timing of actual reunification can be carefully considered

-Parents and children can express and work through their feelings toward each other

4.  Documentation:

-Recommendations and plans can be supported or changed through accurate recording of visiting experiences.

-Credibility of court testimony can be enhanced

-Parents can be provided with feedback regarding their progress

Things That Make Visits Difficult:

-Arranging visits can be time consuming and complicated

-Last-minute changes mean a lot of wasted time

-Observing family distress can be emotionally depleting

-Concerns about the impact of one's decision making on a child's safety can be overwhelming.

-The threat of family violence can make workers and foster/adoptive parents feel personally vulnerable

-A lack of agency support for visiting can produce stress

Types of Activities Children and Families Can Do During Visits

Older Children:

-Clothes Shopping

-Food Preparation

-Medical Appointments

-Taking a Walk

-Class Trips

-Household Tasks

-Haircut Appointments

-School Conferences

Younger Children:

-Free Play

-Stories

-Arts and Crafts

Ways Foster/Adoptive Parents Can Improve Family Visits

-Plan visits with birth parent's needs and resources in mind

-Allow visits to take place in their homes

-Look for, point out, and enhance birth parent's strengths

-Help children work through their feelings following visits

-Taking photographs of child with birth family at the beginning of placement (can later be included in child's Life Book)

Things Foster/Adoptive Parents Should Communicate to the Worker About Visits

-Awkwardness

-A crying child who can't be comforted

-A parent who is angry

-A parent who has been drinking or is high on drugs

-Sadness when the visit is over

Ways Foster/Adoptive Parents and Workers Can Help Prepare Children For Visits

-Be sure to inform them of about everyday ordinary details like where and when lunch will be eaten, who will be there, etc.

-Use references that are meaningful to the child like "You will be back in time to watch Sesame Street."

-Address any concerns a child may have about personal safety. (I will be with you, or just in the next room during the whole visit."

-Help children to identify how they might feel once they are together with the family members.  

-Elicit the child's fantasy of what visiting with the family will be like.  Correct any misinformation and respond to feelings.  ("Only Mom will come this time.  Dad will be coming next time.")

-Children can be helped be being given permission to demonstrate to family members the ways in which they have changed and grown during placement.  This can ease a sense of divided loyalty between parents and foster parents.  "Let's be sure to talk with Mom about how well you can read now."  

Lesson #8:  When fostering, keep a notebook or journal from day #1.  Document EVERYTHING that happens to see changes or pattens in the child's behaviors and present any needed information to the case workers (or possibly a judge).

Helping Children Manage Their Behaviors

Meetings five and six were both about the children's behaviors and different parenting styles.  Sometimes things are generalized, when I believe there is no set formula for parenting (or teaching).  Rather, every child is unique and requires an individualized method of parenting/teaching.  Still the information packets taught us a lot. 

-There are two "parenting styles" or approaches to discipline:

1.  Proactive Parenting

*Builds a safe, trusting relationship by frequently staying close.

*Focuses on appropriate behaviors and positive consequences

*Looks for what the child is doing right and provides positive consequences for that behavior rather than forcing compliance.

*Withholds positive consequences for "not doing" rather than providing extra negative consequences.

2. Reactive Parenting:

*Corrodes your relationship

*Focuses on inappropriate behavior and giving negative consequences.

*Looks for what the child is doing wrong and tries to get rid of that behavior through coercion or punishment.

*Sees inappropriate behavior as a chance to forcefully "teach the child a lesson" so the child fears the consequences and stops doing the behavior.

*Forgets to pay attention to what the child is doing right.

*Waits for the bad behavior and reacts to it rather than having a plan.

*Allows your own bad experiences and resulting bad mood to control your parenting.

*Uses coercion: questioning, arguing, sarcasm, force, threat, criticism, despair, and logic (which I happen to be a fan of ).

Examples of Positive Methods of Punishment:

*Reinforcing acceptable behavior, honest praise, special privileges and treats, extra hugs and kisses, additional time spent with the child, and stickers on behavioral charts.

*Verbal disapproval of the child's behavior, never the child.

*Loss of privileges

*Time Out/Grounding

*Redirecting the child's activity

The Cycle of Need:

NEED (underlying conditions)------>EXPRESSION (behavior)------>INTERVENTION (proactive parenting)----->RELAXATION (healthy self-concept)----->BACK TO A NEED

Lesson #7:  It's important to provide stability and love.  These are reflected through consistent rules, methods of discipline, and patience.  The "Need Cycle" continues in every child. 

Throughout the course we've been working on a "Family Profile".  This is a collection of information about us and our families.  Early on we completed information forms regarding our education, health, families, and jobs.  Later we received an email with a list of other items to collect and add to our Family Profile.  These items include:

-Employment Verification Forms (1 per person)

-Medical Clearance Forms

-2 Neighbor Reference Forms

-3 Personal Reference Forms (not relatives)

-Picture ID, SS Card, Birth Certificate or Passport

-Copy of Floor Plan of Current Home with Evacuation Route

-Animal Vaccinations

-Car Insurance (with names of all drivers)

-MAPP Training Certificate

-Fingerprints through the Children's Home Society

I Love the Life Book

Meeting Four:  Helping Children With Attachments

This was one of the most interesting topics so far.  The information packets taught me a lot about bonding and attachments.  It's giving me a new perspective and showing me that I cannot use all of my effective teaching methods from my own childcare experiences.  I have to use very different methods with children who are going through the foster care system.  

-Children cannot grow up normally unless they have a continuing stable relationship, an attachment to at least one nurturing adult.

-Removing children and putting them in foster care is extremely damaging to children because it disrupts the basic developmental process of attachment to a particular adult.  

-The very young child who loses a parent goes into a grief process.  

-Adults typically take one to two years to go through the grief cycle, but young children can take half of their childhood.  Removing a child from a parent or foster parent to whom he is attached has an effect similar to a loss by death; it initiates a grief process.  

What happens, then, to children coming into foster care or adoption?

First of all, there are apt to be short-term memory deficits.  These children typically are not processing information well.  You tell them something; they don't remember a thing.  You think, "Why is he doing this to me?  Why is he not doing anything he is asked?"  You say to him, "You told me 15 minutes ago that you were going to do this and you haven't done it!"  He says, "You never told me!"  He really doesn't remember.  He literally forgets, because his short-term memory isn't processing well.  When short-term memory isn't processing well, long-term memory is also effected, which means he doesn't learn to read well. Many foster and adoptive children are learning disabled.  It is probably not because they were born with the disability or due to brain damage.  It is more likely that the process of grief is disrupting short-term memory.  Developmental delay is common to foster children.  The grief process has disrupted their ability to develop and learn.  

A second issue is the children's sense of who they are.  We all need to know where we started and how we started and developed in order to have a story about ourselves.  We know we were born in a certain place; we grew up in a certain place; these were our parents; there were our brothers and sisters;that was the school we went to; these were the teams we played on; these were our friends.  Foster children tend to not remember clearly.  Foster children don't know which of these four or five families they lived with are the actual birth parents.  Many remember the family they were living with at about age four.  That could have been their third foster family, but they sometimes think it is their birth family.  Maybe they only stayed there a month, but they suddenly get it into their head, "that person is my mother."  Yet they have other memories that don't quite fit.  They remember three or four different dogs and all those siblings; they're not sure which are theirs and which belong to someone else.  And the big question: why were they here?

Suddenly, instead of a consistent story about who they are, they have a history with confusion in it.  They don't know where they came from.  It is not unusual for foster children to think they came full grown, that they did not grow inside a mother, and that they were not born.  Some foster children under eight or nine will tell you they were never born, that they just came, that they somehow appeared in a foster home at about age three.  

These children have an exceedingly difficult time reattaching to a family when they are adopted, because they cannot attach and go through a process of separation from what has happened to them in the past.  They can't do it because they don't understand what's happened.  It's very important to reduce the number of different families these children experience.  It is also important that we communicate to them very clearly about everything that has happened to them.  

The last issue is behavior.  The behavior of foster and adoptive children many times indicates a grief process.  Some of the first behaviors you see are denial and bargaining.  Often there is a "honeymoon period" where children coming into care will be very good for a few weeks.  That's a combination of denial and bargaining.  "If I'm really good they will let me go home."  "If I'm really good my mother will love me."  Most times the children feel they did something wrong.  "If I had not thought those bad things about my parents, then the sheriff wouldn't have picked me up."  

There are a lot of common behaviors in denial.  One is very rhythmic behavior.  Children my skip rope continuously, bounce a basketball, kick the wall, or sit with toys making noise.  Adults do not usually recognize this kind of rhythmic behavior as a grief response.  The child feels that if he keeps running or banging the wall, he won't have to deal with the hurt.  

The anger of these children is often very serious and there is a great deal of acting out of their behavioral problems.  What wouldn't normally bother a child will bother these children.  They are angry about disconnections, angry about the detachments.  They go through the stages of grief.  In the depression stage you have children who are not sad or crying, but with very little energy.  These kinds of behaviors, typical of foster and adoptive children, are really indications to us that they are grieving.  We need to treat them as people in grief, to do grief work with them.  

Adults don't have to be attached to children.  Adults don't have to be attached to one another.  We like to be attached to our spouses, but we are not going to die without it.  We may go through grief, but we are not going to go through all kinds of developmental problems.  Children must be attached.  They simply must.  They cannot develop normally without being attached to one adult over a period of time because their whole sense of safety, their whole sense of the world, their whole sense of learning depends on it.

How can we help? 

One of the biggest ways to help is by creating a Life Book with pictures and drawings.  A Life Book documents the child's life, starting at the very beginning.  It is a combination of a story, diary, and a scrapbook.  Even if it's not a story the child likes, it is still a story about who he is and is an important part of his identity.  He can then begin to detach from all that hurt and all that grief, and begin to make a more positive attachment to his adoptive family.  Otherwise he may never be able to reattach. 

The best time to begin a Life Book is when a child comes into the foster care system, when birth family and child's developmental and family history information are more available.  The Life Book is developed with the child, not for the child, if the child is old enough to participate.  

Information for a Life Book may be collected from:

-Case Records (possibly from numerous agencies)

-Birth Parents

-Foster Parents

-Grandparents or Other Relatives

-Previous Social Workers

-Hospital Where Born

-Medical Personnel

-Previous Neighbors

-Teachers and Schools

-Court Records

-Newspapers

-School Pictures

-Policemen (who have had contact with the family)

-Church and Sunday School Records

The Life Book could be divided into sections including:

-Birth Information ~ Birth Certificate, Weight, Height, Special Medical Information, and Picture of the Hospital

-Birth Family Information ~ Pictures and Description of Birth Family, Names and Birth Dates of Parents, Genogram, and Siblings (Names, Birth Dates, and Where They Are), Occupational/Educational Information About Birth Parents, Any Information About Extended Family

-Placement Information ~ Pictures of Foster Family or Families, List of Foster Homes (Names and Locations), Names of Other Children in Foster Homes to Whom the Child Was Especially Close, Names of Social Workers (and Pictures if Possible)

-Medical Information ~ List of Clinics and Hospitals, Immunization Records, Any Medical Information That Might Be Needed By the Child as They Grow Up, Height/Weight Changes, Loss of Teeth, When Walked, Talked, etc

-School Information ~ Names of Schools, Pictures of Schools and Friends, Report Cards, and School Activities

-Religious Information ~ Places of Worship Child Attended, Confirmation and Baptism Records, Papers and Other Material From Sunday School

-Other Information ~ Pictures of the Child at Different Ages of Development, Stories About the Child From Birth Parents, Foster Parents, and Social Workers, Accomplishments, Awards, Special Skills, Likes and Dislikes

Lesson #6:  A Life Book will increase a child's self-esteem, provides a way for the child to share his or her past with others, and helps the adoptive family's understanding of the child's past to help the child develop a positive identity. 

Never Thought I'd Be a Loss Expert

Meeting Three:  Losses & Gains:  The Need to Be a Loss Expert

Each child that goes into a foster home experiences a huge loss of loved ones (regardless of the negative situation they are removed from) and a loss of their lifestyle/routines.

Stages of Grieving:

*Shock/Denial

*Anger

*Bargaining

*Despair/Depression

*Acceptance/Understanding

Psychological Tasks of Grieving:

*Understanding

*Grieving

*Commemorating

*Going On

Signs of Loss, Abuse, or Neglect:

Infant (up to 3 months):

*Does not cry or cries very weakly

*Cries at a very high pitch

*Screams all the time

*Does not react to pain, noise, lights, or attention

*Has trouble breathing (noisy, raspy, or gurgling sounds)

*Has a hard time sucking, eating, swallowing

*Vomits frequently and has a hard time keeping food down

*Eyes are often red or watery

*Does not lie in different positions at six months

3-6 Months:

*Rocks constantly in corner or crib

*Does not smile when familiar people approach

*Bumps head on pillow while trying to get to sleep

*Always bumping into things

*Squints to see things, holds objects close to the eyes or doesn't try to reach for objects

*Rocks back and forth for a long time while waving fingers in front of eyes

*Sleeps for a very long time

*At 6 months, is still cross-eyed, rolls the eyes around or does not follow things with both eyes.

6-9 Months:

*Does not turn toward sounds

*Has earaches and shows this by crying and putting hands near ears (possible runny fluid coming from the ears)

*Cannot focus on caretaker's eyes

*Often has a high temperature

*Has skin rashes often

*At 6 months, does not hold head steady when supported

*At 9 months cannot balance head

*At 9 months cannot pick up small objects

*At 9 months, does not vocalize with expression

12 - 18 Months:

*At one year of age, never points to anything or responds to people or toys.

*Has trouble controlling arms and legs

*Falls often, walks poorly or can't walk at all by 22 months

*Holds one hand at side and never uses it for picking up or holding toys

*Has stiff arms, legs, or neck

*Drools all of the time

*May sleep often during the day

*Shows signs of seizures - often faints, wets and soils pants even though toilet trained, lies on the floor with arms and legs stiff, then jerks arms and legs around with back arched, then sleeps dreamily.

*Has many skin rashes, lumps, or sores

18-24 Months:

*Refuses to eat for three or more days

*Coughs constantly

*Has continual diarrhea

*Is usually pale and skin is cold

*Suddenly becomes dizzy, vomits, sleeps, or has a hradache

*Squints or holds objects close to see them

*Rolls eyes around, is cross-eyed or doesn't use both eyes to follow objects

*Doesn't point to, wave back to or imitate others

*Doesn't look at colorful, eye-catching objects

*Often waves fingers in front of eyes

*Often rubs eyes

*Does not react to sudden loud sounds

2 - 2 1/2 Years: 

*Complains of itching/burning eyes or of seeing double

*Frequently complains of headaches or dizziness

*Has many earaches (or fluid coming from the ears)

*Has little voice control

*Bumps head on pillow to go to sleep

*Does not walk or talk by three years of age

*Has trouble understanding or remembering simple direction

*Does not respond to simple questions or directions

2 1/2 - 3 Years:

*Has trouble doing many skills that require hand-eye coordination (ex: Scribbling with a crayon)

*Does not enjoy being held or touched

*Does not know body parts

*Often hurts own self by hitting or biting

*Rocks back and forth for long periods of time

*Does the same movement over and over, such as waving arms and legs

*Says the same thing over and over, or only repeats words after hearing them from another person

3 - 4 Years:

*At three or four years of age, cannot run, jump, or balance on one foot

*Does not play with other children and prefers to be alone in the corner or in bed

*Cannot throw or kick a ball

5- 6 Years:

*Is overweight/underweight

*Has consistent bad breath and a severe sore throat

*Has an injury that leads to dizziness, vomiting, headache, or sleepiness

*Is not able to objects or books clearly

*Complains of frequent headaches or dizziness

*Has frequent sties or other irritations

*Complains of eyes that burn, itch, swell, or water

*Squints or rubs eyes often

*Is easily distracted

*Asks for words to be repeated or stays near you and frequently watches your lips when you speak

*Speaks very little and uses only a few words

*Has frequent earaches

6 - 7 Years:

*Leans toward a sound or requires voices or music to be louder than normal

*Does not come when called, does not follow directrions

*Appears confused or frustrated when asked to try something new

*Cannot dress self

*Cannot identify shapes or colors

*Cannot follow simple rules or directions

*By seven, cannot print own name

*By seven, cannot count from 1-100

*Needs to have new ideas repeated often and in many different ways

*Fights often with other children

*Is usually shy or withdrawn

*Fears new experiences and people

*Is unable to handle changes

*Is often depressed and unhappy

*Is unable to receive or show affection

*Refuses to eat for a long period of time

*Lies, cheats, or steals frequently

*Is constantly negative about self, school, day care, or home

The Adolescent

*Misses school on a regular basis but is not ill

*Has not developed signs of puberty by age 16

*At age 16, is markedly shorter than peers

*Is very quick to show anger and has a violent temper

*Stays away from home for days at a time without word of whereabouts

*Is frequently disciplined at school for misbeahvior

*Has been arrested

*Stays alone most of the time

*Has few friends

*Has poor relationships with peers

*Has no appetite or prolonged loss of appetite

*Is generally sluggish and has little energy

*Often seems depressed

*Repeatedly comes home drunk or high

*Daydreams, does not appear to hear or understand questions, has short-term memory loss or appears confused frequently

* Female shows sudden weight gain, is sluggish, vomits, and sleeps a great deal

*Is frequently sick

*Appears to be bright but usually has great difficulty with tasks involving academic skills (like reading, writing, math)

*Drops out of school

*Breaks the law

*Engages in many sexual relationships with many different partners

*Engages in assaultive behaviors

*Exhibits unusually poor ability to relate to adults

*Engages in self-mutilation (like scratching self with instruments or fingernails, picking at scabs to prevent healing)

*Has made suicidal gestures or attempts

*Exhibits exaggerated response to being torched - may react with fear or aggressiveness to touch whether it is playful, supportive, or restraining

Lesson #5:  There are many possible symptoms of loss in foster children.  Know what signs to look for and create a Life Book for them.  (Explained in the next blog.)